Virginity: a healthy mixture of bad luck and good decisions

Somebody once said, “Virginity is a healthy mixture of bad luck and good decisions.” For some they made really good decisions, for others, they just have bad luck.

I think it is very odd how we focus so much on virginity and waiting for marriage in a Christian society. Go to any library and you will find books upon books of women and men’s purity. Books on how it is so dangerous to have pre-marital sex, books on dating as a Christian and tons of tips how to date without falling to temptation.

How many books do we need on purity and why are most focused on the women? Purity is great and it is the best decision to stay a virgin, don’t get me wrong, but we seem to focus on it so much.

At christianbook.com there are 637 books all about sex and virginity. When did it become necessary to have over 600 books all about sex? Isn’t one enough? What can one book possibly say that another book won’t discuss? I think we all get the picture; don’t have sex before marriage.

Here’s my problem, we have beaten the fact that virginity is expected so much that it becomes almost impossible to date after having made the mistake of having sex. And considering the huge expectations of women, it is even harder for a girl than a guy.

Here’s a little story:

Mr. Joe Pure made a commitment to never have sex before marriage; he goes on to live his life never having sex. In fact, he makes the commitment every year when the “I’m saving myself” convention comes around every year and every time his Sunday school, youth group, accountability group and bible study group uses a sex and purity book his parents buy him another purity ring.

Ms. Jan Pretty is a great, gorgeous girl, but like most attractive girls, they dated a not so good guy, Mr. Bad Boy. Mr. Bad Boy convinced Ms. Jan Pretty that if she really loved him she would do the naughty. Ms. Jan Pretty thought she loved Mr. Bad Boy and was going to marry him, she also thought she could change his bad boy ways. After a long debate Mr. Bad Boy gets Ms. Jan Pretty to think that sex is something he deserves, after all they are in love. She gives in and on some not so special night, they get it on. It was much more enjoyable for him than it was for her, in fact she struggles for a long time knowing what she did with him. Mr. Bad Boy never changes, but because she had something so special with him, Ms. Jan Pretty takes a much longer time to break up with him than it should have taken. But in the end their relationship ends and she makes an attempt to move on.

This is where Mr. Joe Pure comes into the scene. Mr. Joe Pure and Ms. Jan Pretty meet each other at Ima Christian University. From the get go, Joe and Jan like each other and they start to talk, the romance begins to build and they are certain they should begin to date. But Jan hesitates because she knows she needs to tell him about her deep dark secret. Joe is hurt that Jan doesn’t want to start dating as soon as he does, so he confronts her. Jan finally opens up and explains how she was tricked into giving up something special all to be hurt in the end. Joe, after having purity beaten into his mind, is crushed to find this out. He spent his whole life dedicated to purity all to find out the girl he likes didn’t do the same. Mr. Joe Pure decides he can’t date such a tainted girl. Even though Ms. Jan Pretty is a much different girl than when she made the mistake and she regrets her decision everyday, it is not enough for Joe. Jan is crushed, as much as she regretted her bad decision in high school, she regrets it even more.

Does anyone else see the fallacy in this? It is very good to tell young teens about sex and the beauty in saving yourself. But we have forgotten to mention that people make mistakes and we should look at where they are now, not what they did then.

I have another problem; because we push purity so much, kids who want sex but don’t want to be impure get married way too soon. Suppose two couples think they love each other, but really they’re just two really horny kids burning with lust. But because they know not to have sex before marriage, they go to the next best thing; get married. And the church praises them for this. Then a Mtv show “engaged and underage” finds great material and Christians look dumber than ever. And eventually, the couple, after satisfying their hunger and having children, realizes they never actually loved each other. So now they live an un-happy marriage and either divorce and ruin the kid’s lives or live the rest of their lives full of regret.

Part of me says they should have just had sex, realized their mistake and moved on to marry someone they truly love. But this means weighing one sin over another, and even though sex before marriage hurts way less people than divorce, it is a bad idea. And considering the first problem I described, this is impossible.

I blame the church. They pushed purity in the kid’s minds so much that they celebrate another bad decision, getting married too soon.

I truly believe most people that push purity either had a horrible experience with sex and feel the need to change other’s lives or they had such bad luck that abstinence wasn’t a hard thing for them to accomplish. And they subliminally want to make up for their bad luck by saying they are better then those who got lucky.

Like I said before, “Virginity is a healthy mixture of bad luck and good decisions.” For me it is way more bad luck then good decisions, in fact I doubt I would be a virgin if I were somewhat more attractive and dated more in high school. Therefore, I have realized that I cannot judge those who were more lucky then me and if I’m ever in a leadership position at a church I will teach about waiting and sex before marriage, but I will also teach about forgiveness, understanding and not marrying the first person that says, “I love you.”

My only regret is that I didn’t write a purity book sooner, imagine all the money I could have made!